the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
