so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The best revenge is premature balding
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
