my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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