I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
