She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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