We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
