I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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