I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
