U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Come on in and take your pants off
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