rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
