I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
