mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
