i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
