insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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