I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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