Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
