From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
