i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
