I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
