My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
