The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
