sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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