Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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