I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
false alarm. still invincible.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
So apparently I’m into choking now
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