2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
