Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
