wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
