nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
