just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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