Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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