I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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