So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
