addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
