**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Randomize
