I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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