Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
