I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
