we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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