can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
