I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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