It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
