My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
