I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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