wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
