I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
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