I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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