she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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