Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
