he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
In other news, I just burned my penis
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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