either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
