I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
