Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just high enough for therapy.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
