My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
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If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
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Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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