yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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