I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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